Conflict is a factor of life that we all must
occasionally face. Friends, siblings, neighbors, co-workers and even spouses
all have conflicting views on certain subjects that at any time could raise its
weary head. This week I pondered situations I have been in regarding conflict
and how these issues were resolved. I thought about several professional
situations but elected to write about a personal situation which took place
last Thanksgiving break. According to Whetten and Cameron (2016), this conflict
was considered a people-focused conflict and could lead to feelings of
resentment.
First, let me
give you a little back story about the situation. I am from Mississippi but now
live in Florida. Every year I try to go home to see my family for Thanksgiving.
Last year the plan was to travel home the Tuesday before Thanksgiving to visit
family. A week before Thanksgiving, I received a call from my girlfriend’s
father saying that he had two tickets to the Ole Miss game taking place the
Saturday before Thanksgiving (or a couple of days from the call). Knowing that
we would not be in town until after the game, I politely declined. As I began
to think more about the situation, I realized I wanted to go to the game badly.
Free tickets to an Ole Miss- LSU game are rare.
The main reason we were not going to travel to
Mississippi until the Monday or Tuesday before Thanksgiving was because my
girlfriend was in graduate school at the time and assignments were due on
Sunday. I am not a person that usually does things for me. I always feel bad
doing things that I consider selfish. I would much rather do things for other
people, but I had a strong desire to attend the game, so I spoke to my
girlfriend about the situation. Through effective communication, we were able
to come up with a game plan to allow her to finish her schoolwork in time for
me to make the game. Everything is going great! I get to see the game. She gets
all of her school work finished, and we get a couple of extra days in
Mississippi! But, unbeknownst to me, a conflict was on the horizon.
I called my mom to tell her the news that plans had
changed and that we would be in town Friday afternoon instead of Tuesday
afternoon. She was ecstatic as she informed me that Thanksgiving lunch was
scheduled to be held at my grandparent’ house that Saturday, so the timing
could not be better. Apparently, there was a lack of communication, because I
was under the impression that dinner would be on Thanksgiving Day as always.
But this year was an anomaly because my grandparents would be out of town the
week of Thanksgiving. I had to have the
difficult conversation and inform her that I was coming home early to attend a
football game and could not make the scheduled lunch. This conflict was the first, but
unfortunately not the only conflict that would occur during the trip.
According to Brown (2011), the compromising style to
conflict resolution involves a mix of concern for self and concern for others
where a compromise between the conflicting parties is sought. Ury (2010)
described that a conflict should be addressed by “going to the balcony” (n.p.).
In this metaphor, the balcony resembles a place of perspective or a place to
oversee the conflict. Whetten and Cameron (2016) suggested that the parties
should invent options for mutual gains. As
I was on the phone with my mom, I immediately began trying to reach a
compromising solution. I told her that we would be driving all day, but I would
hate to miss my grandparents, so a small dinner at her house would be ideal. We
worked out a plan that we would come by our way through town for a dinner on
Friday night. Great! Conflict resolved with effective communication, and now I
get to spend some time with my grandparents. Awesome! Only, the conflict was
not resolved and in fact just beginning.
During the drive that Friday morning, I received a
call from my mom saying she had been on the phone all morning with her family
and the Thanksgiving lunch scheduled for Saturday afternoon was now a
Thanksgiving dinner scheduled for later that night. I understand that she
believed she was doing something nice for my girlfriend and me so we could see
the family, but from my perspective, there were several issues with the new
plan. First, by this point, we had been awake over twenty-four hours and still
had several hours of driving until we got home. Also, my grandparent’s house
was an additional three-hour round trip. Given the amount of time we had been
awake and additional driving, I knew we would be zombies if we tried to make
the dinner, which was the reasoning for me requesting a small dinner at her
house. I had to tell her that it would not be possible for us to make it and it
was not taken well at all.
There were several attempts at negotiations including
her asking if I would miss the game if she moved it back to Saturday (which I
politely declined), and me asking to go back to the previously agreed plan of
meeting at her house (which she politely declined since many other family
members changed their plans). From my family’s perspective, I was the initiator
of this conflict. I was the individual refusing to alter my plans for the
family. In my perspective, I was the responder, and my mom was the initiator.
This conflict was created by adjusting the plans without communication. In the end, we agreed to disagree, and I
missed the Thanksgiving dinner. Unfortunately, we were not able to reach a
conflict resolution before the dinner but were eventually able to have a positive
discussion.
We met later in the week and discussed communication
and how to better our interactions. We had a long chat about why I felt like I
was put into a difficult situation when asked to drive an additional three
hours after driving all day. The conversation ended with no hard feelings and a
stronger bond of communication. I was also able to see several of my aunts and
uncles before I returned home and spent some time with my grandparents at
Christmas. We usually do not head home on both Holidays but did last year.
Though this conflict was resolved between my mother and me, it did open up another
conflict that I did not know existed among other family members. Whetten and Cameron (2016) stated that
interpersonal relationships could have lingering effects due to personal
disputes, and unfortunately, the effects of this situation still exist, but
that is a different blog for a different day.
So, what could I have done differently to eliminate
this conflict? Whetten and Cameron (2016) argued that one solution to conflict
resolution is to “persist until understood” (p. 322). I should have made an
attempt to make my side of the agreement clearer. Maybe I was not adamant about
why I wanted to have dinner at her house or at least in town. Did she not
understand that I did desire to see my grandparents but did not want to drive
an additional one hundred and fifty miles?
If I were more persistent with my
desires, maybe the plans would have never been altered, and the conflict could
have been avoided.
Whetten and Cameron (2016) also discussed encouraging
a two-way discussion where both parties express opinions and ask questions as a
form of conflict resolution. Maybe if we had encouraged more of a two-way
discussion, then the conflict could have been avoided. As I think back to the
first conversation, she did not ask questions about why I felt the way I did. Because
I did not encourage a two-way discussion, miscommunication, and a lingering
conflict was created.
Though this conflict was a personal and not a
professional conflict, it did teach me the proper process for handling a
professional conflict. I learned that effective communication could help to
avoid a conflict. Both parties need to clearly define their feelings regarding
a situation to avoid conflict. This conflict also taught me to “go to the
balcony” (Ury, 2010, n.p.) and attempt to find a compromising response to the
conflict.
References
Brown, D. (2011). An
experiential approach to organizational development (8th ed.). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall
Ury, W. (2010). The walk from “no” to “yes”[TEDGlobal].
Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/william_ury
Whetten, D. & Cameron, K. (2016). Developing management skills (9th ed.).
Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall/Pearson
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